Ole's Christmas

'vas Chrastmas eve night, and all troo da dvelling

Vile lefsa and lutafisk my nose vas smelling

I lie down by da fire and feeling qvuite marry

I finish vun quart of goot Tom and Yerry,

From bottle of schnapps I take yust a bit

And chase it down qvick wit a short aqavit;

Den Yimminy Chrastmas my eyes da close

And soon I an dreaming as I sit and doze.

Den out on da lawn I am hearing some bell--

I spring to da vindow so see "Vot da hell"

By gum you von't believe ven I tell vot I see

Kris Kringle on sleigh vit a blonde on his knee.

She vas drassed all in fur from her head to her feet

And yeesus, I'm telling you she looked planty sveet

Round her neck vas a ribbon vit a card of red,

And I sure got a trill ven I see vot it said,

"Marry Chrastmas to Ole for being a gude boy--

St. Nick is bringing you a very nice toy.

Her name's Mary Chrastmas; and if you'll treat her yust right,

She'll give you fine time on cold vinter's night!!

Den she valked in the house and boy am I pleased,

Right off she drop furs and does stripper's tease.

She had a beautiful face and a little round belly;

And places that shook like a bowl full of yelly;

And den she valks over and gets right up close

And to you I'm telling--she smell like a rose.

Den she trow her cute arms so tight round my neck

I still can't explain how I am feeling by heck.

Her pretty red lips she turn up and pout

And she gave me such a big kiss dat I dam near pass out

She kissed me again, and I'm tinking you bet

Dat pretty soon now, you know what I get.

And den I kept tinking except of the fun

I am having right den and da rest to be done,

I found her lying on da run an da floor

And hugging up tight and ready for more--

And den something happened, I hate to tell--

It made me feel bad and I'm madder dan hell----

Yust ven I think I am getting some vere

Da blonde in my arms is getting black hair---

And yust ven I tink I am reaching home base,

I felt something tickling upon my hot face--

It vassn't da blond undressed vit out a stitch---

It vas Torvald, my dog, da darnd son of a bit